Everything that you do is always completely wrong,
That's why people around you won't stick around for very long.
They are obviously lying when they say that you are nice,
What does that word mean anyway, why can't I take my own advice.
Your body is disgusting, your brain a twisted mess,
They're thinking the same, you are always to blame but these thoughts they wont confess.
On the streets they look at you, they can see it in your eyes,
You've learned to hide for so long, it still comes as a surprise.
A rush of potent chemicals, the evil you can't see,
The moment you would rather be anything, anyone but me.
You know the mask is slipping,
They can see the cracks appearing.
You start to come undone, become 'no fun', can you help I'm disappearing.
Insecurity your only friend whispering in your ear,
Don't open yourself up again, wallow in the fear.
No positive can survive the spiral of self doubt,
A negative spin will always win, the loudest voices shout.
Feel an emotion and analyse what's meant by every reaction,
Longing to be numb, fighting not to succumb, looking for distraction.
Sabotage to the wounded brain seems the only way out,
If people fuck you over then you have a reason to scream and shout.
Tear stained eyes the window to a body filled with pain,
Shall I be a cliche and go dancing in the rain.
How can I believe the best when I struggle with the worse,
I want a new brain, I need to retrain, give me the time to rehearse.
Wednesday, 25 May 2016
It's been a while dear reader. How fickle the blogging mind when things are going along relatively swimmingly. There is still a natural instinct when confronted with something that won't go away to believe that it has. Like a grey hair you can put hair dye on it, but it will return with a vengeance. This is true of the troubled sea of mental health. The vast ocean of the brain and the tiny raft that travels through it. Occasional hitting a lovely tropical island with warm beaches and coconuts,
Other times getting caught in a heavy storm. I'm getting tangled in metaphors but what I am saying is...ups and downs they happen. I was on the raft a few weeks ago hovering near a crystal blue shore when a monster emerged from the coastline and came to sit on the raft completely immune to reason and refusing to leave. He said I've been here all along. You've just been so consumed with my abrasive brothers that you didn't notice me insidiously creeping aboard. I am BPD.
Borderline. Personality. Disorder.Sounds scary right. A disorder with your personality. The first thing Google will tell you is that it can't be medicated. No amount of tic tacs are going to solve this one. Just another long course of psychotherapy you are not convinced is actually a thing.
The next thing you will notice is some of the 'buzzwords' - overwhelming emotions, hopelessness, worthlessness, manipulative, unstable relationships, shame, loneliness, emptiness, dependant on others.
And the lightbulb goes off and you think yes I am acknowledging you. He is dangling you over the edge now and asking will you sink or will you swim. I told him for now I would swallow water while it all sunk in but I would not be drowned.
Saturday, 9 January 2016
Every year I watch Celebrity Big Brother and every year I get annoyed by some random stupid comments. But saying that same sex couples adopting is child abuse is a new low. Child abuse is neglecting your child. Child abuse is physically, mentally or sexually abusing your child. Child abuse is thousands of children being abandoned, orphaned or left homeless. A child being cared for and loved by someone regardless of biology, genetics or sexual bloody orientation is parenting. It is not a title reserved for any man and woman who can get drunk and produce one. What about single parents, couples who cannot reproduce, children who lose a parent. Is the love they feel for those they may not be related to by blood any less. Parenting is a conscious choice to give a damn about a little human being. To tell me that when I build my family; the hours, the tears, the love, the bed times stories, the first school play the first time my child says Mam will mean any less because of that is ridiculous. No one has the right to tell you that 👩👩👦
Thursday, 3 December 2015
Groups of children are playing games on the schoolyard. Some are in blue t-shirts, some in green, yellow and red. The blue group are in the corner of the yard. Some of them break away and try and mix with the other groups. A lot are suspicious of the fact that the blue group wear orange shoes, when everyone else on the yard is wearing purple ones. They push the children in blue t-shirts and won't let them join in. The blue t-shirts stand at the edges, some of the groups more friendly than others. A small sub faction forms amongst some of the blue group. They decide to launch a campaign of water pistol attacks on the green group. As retaliation the green group climb to the top of the climbing frame, drop bags of flour on the blue group and run. Unfortunately some of the blue group who were not involved in the water pistol incidents also got hit. The yellow group joined in. But the red group were a bit more hesitant. Some of the members of the red group were concerned for some friends they had made in the blue group. They asked the leader of the red group if they could get more information, come up with a plan and while they agreed that the blue group and their mission to water pistol the yard was not right they were concerned that dropping bags of flour would just result in innocent members of the blue group getting hurt and further retaliation against the other groups. The leader of the red group wanted to join the yellows and greens. But the red group didn't know if this was because he thought it was a good idea or he was scared the other bigger children would call him a wimp. They decided to launch the flour drop. When you mix flour with water you end up with a mess that will stick to all those around you. The bell rang on the yard and the teachers stood and wondered if any of the children would make it back to class.
Monday, 23 November 2015
When I was fourteen Mam took me for food,
I could sense something was different, a change in her mood.
As the chip missed my mouth and fell down from my fork,
She casually told me she'd been visited by the stork.
At first it was gross, I mean she was like a hundred and one,
With me as her child, I thought she was done.
You looked like a bean on your sonogram pic,
A weird little monster who started to kick.
I used to call you bro-sis before I knew who you were,
I ignored your existence until they said you were here.
With curly dark hair and big sparkling eyes,
The love you made me feel took me by surprise.
In the area we lived people thought you were mine,
A promiscuous teenager drunk on cheap wine.
I watched you grow and develop and age,
I gulped the first time you wrote your name on the page.
I knew you were special and you've proven me right,
You're kind and funny and incredibly bright.
I could not be prouder to call you my brother,
So many things you have helped me discover.
I know I might not see you every day,
When I went off to uni I moved far away.
But I am always behind you in whatever you do,
When we put mother in a home it'll be just us two.
Saturday, 14 November 2015
It is natural when bad things happen to need someone to blame. It gives us the ability to distance ourselves from it. "That wouldn't happen to me because..." Or "That won't happen anymore if we just get rid of..." Helps us make sense of something we cannot always understand. But the truth is. This has happened before. It will happen again. Reading any history book you will see pages of good things that happened, examples of human kindness, monumental moments that fill us with hope and a sense of justice. Bad times that brought people together. But at the heart of a lot of these positives there was often a foundation of violence and conflict. There have been wars, murder, terrorism, segregation, slavery and many other horrible examples of human cruelty and thirst for conflict from the cavemen hitting each other with clubs to hitler's genocide. In every example of this kind of atrocity the hatred was fuelled by the orchestrator finding someone to pin the blame on, allowing them to act as puppeteer and fuelling prejudices to divide. Superiority complexes and irrational thoughts combined to make usually rational human beings think incredible things. If a German guy with a little moustache knocked on your door today and said "people with blonde hair and blue eyes are superior, let's all hate the Jews" you would think him mad. If men in white hoods came around and asked if they could hang "inferior" black people in your yard you would call the police and think them insane. If the government decided to kill all gay people, take away the vote for women, bring back forced child labour, you would fight. You would think no, this is not right. So why do we now allow these manipulations to colour our view of our world. People will study us and they will ask "why did they just blame everything on the Muslims". Was it easier than looking at humanity itself and accepting that the problem is much deeper. You cannot force bad people into a box and categorise them based on their religion, their race or any other factor you are comfortable "isn't like me". What we need to look at is the state of our world. Corrupt governments and scary dictator's like Putin with God complex's. He is already attempting to blame homosexuals for the problems in Russia. What happened in Paris is an example of an increase in acts of horrific violence across the world. The only way to fight violence is with solidarity, is not allowing one person or a small group to divide us. Peace is achieved through many methods but a world divided is a world conquered. I do not claim to know how we achieve this.
But I do know that it is our only hope of preventing World War III.
Friday, 13 November 2015
Today the words are someone else's though they seem plucked from my brain. If you have not seen this movie. Watch it. Savour these moments. Live them. Even if tomorrow seems impossible you will always have right now. Be infinite.