If talking about depression is taboo there is one thing you definitely don't talk about: suicide. When Robin Williams took his life, people said but he seems so happy, how could he do that to his family. I came as close to even contemplating the idea as I ever have last night. I sat down feeling emotion bubbling inside to write and what came out surprised me. Not conscious I was even thinking about it I wrote my suicide note. Now this is not to be confused with a suicide attempt. Because I am straying closer to the head space does not mean I plan to act but it did naturally get me thinking about what I would leave behind. I post it here not to scare or act as any kind of goodbye. But reading it I realised a couple of things. There is still hope and as long as there is that, there could always be a brighter tomorrow.
The Last Goodbye
The first thing I need to tell you is that I am sorry. I did not think when this started this would be how it would end and I did not comprehend the scars it would leave on you and the finality of what it would do to me. You may never understand why, but If I could take this back I would. If I could float outside myself and stop it I would. If I could re-wire my brain or be the me I never could, the me you all wanted me to be, for one day, these words would not need to written. There are so many tangible feelings inside me right now as I write, each one a spec of light that is dimmed by the inability to see them shine. Love is the brightest of all. Love was the one thing that I longed for with all of me and at times although I felt it lacking, because the truth is that some of you let me down, I can also say that I felt the truest of loves and they made me burn. I was difficult and volatile, I probably pushed most of you away at some point. But if you managed to thaw the coldness around my heart I would have sacrificed everything for you. I hope you know who you are; lovers, family, friends, colleagues. You meant the world to me and if there is anyway for me to see your progress it will make me smile to know I had you in my life. I knew from an early age that I was broken. So fragile that every knock tore me slowly apart. I saw my life as pillars, and now the last has crumbled and the structure couldn't stand any longer. Though many of you tried to hold them up. I was not strong enough. Strength is getting through every day on this earth and making it count. I cannot say I am leaving with any idea of what's ahead. I have no legacy to leave behind, I did not achieve great things. But I hope in some small ways, to some people I made a difference. I always tried to make you laugh. I tried to understand what you wanted and needed from me and fill that void. I tried to have good times with you and be there for you when things got dark. But this time the flame went out for me for the last time.
These are all the words I have today. Even replying to a text seems like a mountain to climb. Feeling alone and abandoned when you have support around you does not sit with the rational side. But then I didn't claim any of this was rational.
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