I've never heard silence quite this loud

I've had a good Sunday. I got to stay in bed. I didn't leave the couch and I've watched tv. Last night I got to see one of my idols perform on stage and it made me feel alive. Like every part of my body was feeling something. Listening to a musical with an orchestra makes my fingertips tingle. It's an escape. The sad songs touch you because you can feel the sadness so deeply and the up tempo makes the world seem like it's dancing. 

The end of last week I cut again. I cut the word 'alone' into my arm and afterwards the one thing that upset me was that I'd marked it wrong. The 'L' didn't look like an L. I can't even get that right.  So a good day is always welcome but there is this one thing that sticks. The thoughts that still make me tap and move and be unable to feel settled. 

It is the feeling that I am in limbo. The feeling that I am not living my life, or the life I thought I would lead. I want to be able to sit on a rainy day and not be able to sleep until I finish a good book I am in to. I want to be able to watch the TV and feel totally engrossed, settled. I want to laugh and not have it tainted by the other emotions that flood me. I want to look forward to things. I feel like a puppet on a string. Moving to the music, going through the motions. A passenger with no control of the plane and no idea how to communicate with the pilot. My body does the things it's meant to and yet I am distant, detached. Maybe this is how you cope. You just get through. But there has to be more, right? 

I try and remember the last time I felt something that wasn't so clouded, that was pure. It's hard because my mind is blocking it. Will my good and bad days be defined by how much Valium I have to take or whether I needed a sleeping tablet. Whether the vivid dreams were good or bad. 

When you don't feel invested in the decisions you are making how do you know if they are the right ones. The tiredness is dilapidating. No mater how much you sleep, the steps are laboured. But maybe that's where the strength lays. Everyday I wake up and I make

It. I need quiet because it is all so loud but the scariest thing is silence. Silence speaks a thousand words. It leaves you bare with only yourself in your head.